Hey Cuties,
I’ve been toying with sharing more of me for some time now. I was solid on sharing, but I struggled with the delivery, would writing it here on the blog or doing a YouTube video be best. Analysis paralysis is what was happening and I’m typically not that girl, so I won’t start now.
What I realized was my method of delivery did not matter. Getting the story out is what is most important. Our stories are not for us, they are for other people. I told you I loved The Red Table Talk, and after watching this week’s topic I was reminded to share my truth. Do the thing I’ve been holding on to for almost a year now. So let’s get into it. I was abused.
Photo Credit: Sweet Touch Photos
I was 15 years old and I fell in love with a guy that was 20 years old. His sister lived downstairs from me, one day he heard me playing on our deck with my niece. He looked up and happen to look directly up my shirt, so he came up and spoke. From that day we would be inseparable for the next 7 years. We were in love like legit Bobby and Whitney type of love. Let that sink in for a minute… The mental abuse came early, but the physical abuse did not start right away, for the first few months, things were fun. We laughed and joked and hung out and got to know one another.
Three months in and things got crazy, on October 18, 1996, I turned 16 years old. The very next day his sister (my Sister-In-Law) was killed in a car accident. Sh!t got crazy… I shared this part of the story in my Red Table Talk post so I’m just going to put that here.
I was sixteen years old when I experienced a death that I could remember. Matter of fact my friend and would be sister in law (I married her brother 2 years later) died the day after my 16th birthday. At that moment I grew up fast and I didn’t even realize it was happening. I stepped up and was the single support system for my then boyfriend. I helped him take care of his sisters three kids that were left behind along with his parents. They were 2, 3 and & 7 years old. Although I could not replace his sister, coming into his family did help fill a void in some way.
Photo Credit: Sweet Touch Photos
I continued to date him while finishing my senior year of High School. This tragedy made us stronger and he loved me even more for being by his side every step of the way. I was an angel in his eye, I could do no wrong, and he put me on a pedestal. I never doubted his love for me and he was never ashamed to show it. We were the fun, happy go lucky couple that you loved to hang out with. Three months after I graduated High School I moved to North Carolina with him. We found jobs and would be a support system to help his parents with his nieces and nephew. Christmas 2007 (1.5 years later) he proposed and I was thrilled to be his wife; I was 17 years old. Our life was not perfect but there was no place I would rather be. Two months later I was over North Carolina and we moved back to the DC area.
It took some time to adjust to being back in the area and we did not have our own place. Red Flags began to pop up and I ignored them, he was just stressed out. I found a job, and I helped him find a job. We secured our marriage license and planned to wed at the Justice of the Piece. On July 24, 1998, we became husband and wife. A month later we moved into our own place the abuse began. He was drinking a lot, mixing drugs, and running the streets. I would question where he had been when he was late picking me up from work. That would turn into an argument. He would leave home or people I did not know would come to our home. Sometimes I cared and other times I simply did not. We would argue, kiss and makeup and everything was all good again.
One day we got into it as he was leaving out of our building. He pulled me down two steps by my arm, and I called the police. I had never experienced abuse of any kind. The police came and they made him leave our home for 24 hours. I did not press charges (rolls eyes) and the state made him take mandatory anger management classes. We would kiss and make up again, everything was good until it wasn’t. We did not argue constantly but when we did it was crazy. In every home we had together I have had to call the police on him for putting his hands on me. I knew this was not what I signed up for, but I loved this man and I knew that he loved me too.
Photo Credit: Sweet Touch Photos
September 12th, 2002 I was sick of his sh!t. Yup, I dealt with it for seven years before leaving. The last straw came we he and I got into it again. I don’t even recall what it was about but he was pissed. I was sitting at the computer desk and he began to punch the glass mirrors on the wall and they shattered. He threw a bar stool and that broke, blood was all over the place. I was sitting in a chair and he turned it around, grabbed me by my neck, and slammed my head against the wall. This time, I cried I was scared for my life, I had never been scared. I ran out of the house barefoot and went to a hair salon near our neighborhood. The owner locked the door in case he tried to come in and I called the cops and his Dad. The police came, the house was a wreck. The very person that taught my ex-husband abuse was my savior that day. Honestly, he had been my savior since I met him.
I never considered myself a survivor of domestic abuse. When I mention the abuse it is always in a very casual way. I’ve always been someone that believes keeping your mess in your home. I did not talk about it, a few times a friend or two may witness something but that was it. I would say he was trippen and we would just leave. I was still the happy go lucky gal that I am today. My family had no idea what was going on. I lived this way for four more years before I was ready to leave. I never put my hands on him, but that did not stop him from putting his hands on me. At age 22 I hit the reset button on life and it has been all good.
Photo Credit: Sweet Touch Photos
What I learned: You don’t know what goes on in people’s homes. Nobody cares what you would do if it was you. If it is not you STFU! It is easy to say what you would do in a fake scenario. This is my life and I know what I did. What I did not do and what I would and would not tolerate. I used to justify his behavior and not call it what it was because he never hit me, he never punched me, and I never had physical bruises. He was an abuser, and he abused me. God protects fools and babies.
I am not weak now and I was not weak then. I was never afraid to leave, I just was not ready to go. When I was sick of living that way I left. I was young, and he was young I don’t harbor any ill feelings towards him. We teach people how to treat us and I taught him that it was okay for him to treat me that way. I grew a lot, I learned a lot I have no regrets. To change one thing changes everything. I am who I am because of my experiences. I know my Daddy issues played a part in this, would I deal with it again? Hell no.
Chat with me in the comments below or FB, IG, and Twitter.
Photo Credit: Sweet Touch Photos
???????????????????? That’s all I have to say! Love ya!
Thanks, Love ya too!
Mimi, thank you so very much for the courage to share. It is hard to share the parts of your life that are not “bright and shiny” as expected in social media. I know this post will help a woman somewhere make a change. Be blessed.
Thank you Robin. You are right, life is not perfectly curated. However, there are always lessons to be learned.
It’s so funny cause I was always a “that could never be me” type girl and then at 16 my first serious relationship was abusive. I feel the same way though I was never scared to leave I just wasn’t ready to go. I even moved from NYC to North Carolina with him! 6 months after moving I came home to “visit family” and never looked back. I was in that relationship for 4 years. I don’t have any ill feelings because I know it made me who I am today. I’m so much smarter/stronger and even more independent because of it. Thanks for sharing your story! =)
It sounds like I shared “our” story, there are so many similarities. It made us stronger for sure.
Mimi, I salute you! This was so brave of you to share and trust the message is so necessary. Mental and physical abuse is hard. I’ve been there but like you said people need to STFU and mind their business because they have no idea what they would do. I am glad to know you survived and have thrived in life.
Thanks, Kita. Outside people always think they know the inside scoop. Nope! I’m thriving on levels I never imagined.
Thank you for sharing your story. Many women don’t make the decision to leave in enough time.
When I was in college, one of my co-workers/church members was stabbed to death by her abusive boyfriend. It was such a horrible experience for everyone who knew and loved her.
Yes, there are a lot of women that are afraid to leave. That is a terrible feeling.
I’m so thankful that my story is not as bad as it could be.
I really appreciate you sharing your story , you are very brave. I totally agree with you on not wishing that you can change what had happened because changing one thing means changing everything, what’s most important is that there are lessons learnt and this will definitely help and inspire other women to make the right choices.
Yes, there were so many lessons learned. That cause me to move differently in life.
Wow what a powerful post Mimi. Thank you so much for sharing the truth of what has happened in your past life. You were young and in love we all have been there but I am so happy you were able to get out and still be young and have your whole life ahead of you. I am also happy you know you will never have to tolerate that kind of abuse again!
Yes, I was so young but it made me grow up a bit faster. That is the best part, that I still had a full life ahead of me. I have a better appreciation for my family and the love I have.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share this – it must have been incredibly difficult writing it, but hopefully, there was some healing in that itself, and I’m sure you’ve helped so many people with your story.
-Nkem
There is healing in writing for sure. If it helps at least one person than I’m happy. A lot of times we suffer in silence.
I’m the youngest of 5. Several of my sisters and mom had been in abusive relationships. Abuse was normal to me growing up and I think that those types of experiences change you. I still have trust issues. Unfortunately, I cannot recall any of my sisters have positive non-abusive relationships. Now they are all single. I’ve written about it on my blog about 8 years ago, because it’s easier for me to talk about their relationships, but I was young, really young, when their boyfriends would come to our home and threaten to kill all of us. These are all painful memories, but it’s a part of the experiences that shaped me. I’m glad that you have the knowledge, help, and strength to get away.
Wow, Elle. There are so many layers to who we are as people. Thanks for sharing your truth.
This was such a raw post. I love that bit at the end where you mentioned that it wasn’t that you were scared to leave, you just weren’t ready to leave. I think we have this misconception that people in these situations are always afraid, but like you said it’s sometimes about what you are willing to put up with. And agree that if it isn’t you, you need to STFU. It’s to easy to judge and say what you would do when you’re not in the situation.
Yes, people always assume you are afraid and are imprisoned in your own home. For some people, that is the truth. However that was not the case for me. The internet is the judge, jury, defense and prosecution at the same time.
What an open and honest account of such a horrific situation. I am so proud at how brave you were to run and get help.
Thanks, I never thought it would be me. Then here I was, I never saw abuse growing up.
As women, we ignore the signs way to much, especially when we’re young because sometimes we just don’t know any better. Even if we do, the “love” that we think we feel…we believe we could never find again! Thank you for sharing your truth. That takes so much strength and courage. As Black women, we go through so much but we always triumph and wisdom always shines through. I also love the Red Table Talk, its something I follow religiously!
Yes we do! The Red Talk talk has taught me some things about myself. I thought it was “entertainment” but it is much deeper than that.
First: Thank You for being willing to share you story and experience in such an honest and open way.
I fell in love at 16 and had a very similar story minus the marriage but plus a son. I walked away sooner than most but later than I should have. Thankfully something clicked in my head and one day I just said – NOPE – no this time. Much like you it was more verbal than anything but that one time it wasn’t I went into straight denial. This can’t be happening. I’m still proud of myself for finding the strength to leave because the people around me thought he was The One. He was that good and keeping his true self unknown.
Second: I am so happy to know you here in inter-web land and super proud of the woman, wife and mother you are now.
The way I look back on the things in my past is that they have become the foundations for my future. I am who I am because of them – good and bad.
xoxoxo
I totally understand “others feeling like he was the one.” Everything that glitters is not gold. The both of us have learned that. I’m glad you were able to get out. Thanks for sharing your truth.
OMG this is crazy. I’m happy you’re telling your story because there are people in this same situation or have been. Like me. Same age and about the same amount of time. He was 2 years older. We did not get married (THANK GOD). But, it was a great learning lesson and helped me a lot in my future relationships.
Girl! There were so many lessons to be learned, shoot and I’m still learning.
Mimi, thanks for your transparency. A lot of times people share but forget to share the struggles too.
Thank you for reading, it is so easy to share the great moments. Unfortunately life doesn’t reflect that same perfection. There is freedom in expression.
I’m glad you got out but sad to hear the story.
Thank you, Wrae. We live and we learn, I have learned.
Wow. What a powerful story. I am so proud of you for sharing.
Thank you, I did not expect to feel so refreshed getting it out.
Thank you for your courage and authenticity.
One day I’ll drum up the courage to tell my own story.
You are so welcome. When you are ready, you will.
Hugs Mimi!!! You are brave for sharing this, and I know you sharing your story will help someone else on their journey! Again thanks for sharing!!
Thank you so much!
This was a very good read. The subject is a difficult one for so many. I’m very confident that people will read this and be inspired to share their story. Maybe even motivate some to flea from the toxic people who cause them abuse as well. Thanks so much for sharing. ❤️
I hope it opens eyes, as women we take on so much in silence.
Thank you for sharing your story and being so open and honest. I lost my best friend to domestic abuse. I commend you for your strength and courage.
Oh wow, that had to be tough Andrea. I’m thankful that I still have life, which is why I had to share my story.
What a tough thing to go through as a teen! I’m glad that you were able to see the need to walk away from that relationship. Although you maintained your happiness throughout, it’s certainly wasn’t a healthy, loving or acceptable situation to be in. Thank you for sharing your story.
Yeah, it is not the ideal way to spend my teenage years. I had a lot of rebuilding to do afterwards.
Thank you for sharing Mimi! I cant imagine but so many go through this and worse. Your words will help another who may not see the signs or are just not ready to leave. So glad you survived and are living in your purpose…
Yeah, there is something in us sometimes that makes us stay. It is hard to acknowledge that the very person that you love would treat you this way. Not everyone is so fortunate to make it out. My heart hurts for those people.
You are so brave for enduring that experience and sharing your story now. Something stuck out to me.. how you said you were a firm believer in keeping your mess at home. I think it’s something a lot of us grew up believing in but I had never realized how detrimental that could be.
Yes! We learned that very early on, never thinking it could harm us.
I want to say thank you for sharing Mimi!! ? It’s always cleansing when you can talk about it and can see how life changed for the better. I was also in an abusive marriage for a very long time, (10yrs) mentally, physically and verbally. I had to realize that life was way more precious than being controlled and someone’s punching bag. Even after all the good times we had, I knew that the bad ones were hidden yet still to come. The day I decided to walk away, after 4 miscarriages later with a three-year-old daughter and one-year-old son, I was disappointed in who I was allowing myself to be. So I promised myself to never let that happen again no matter how hard I knew life was about to be like as a single mother. I prayed for sanity and life began to become more exciting and peaceful.. although I was now in my thirties. I realized during that time that I was only allowing what I had felt like I was worth and not loving myself enough to be strong enough to stop it, pleasing someone else’s wishes and not satisfying my own. Today I am so grateful that I made it out of that turmoil. (I thank God)…Today I’m showing my children what real love is all about and how love does not have to hurt at all. Love is kind ❤
Thank you for sharing your truth. It is easy to forget who we are when in abusive situations. However, that peace of mind is priceless. I remember some of those times, I’m glad you were able to get out and stay out. You and the kids are better because of that.
Thank you for this. I know I not the only one but sometimes it feels that way.
You have a village that know exactly how you feel.
Thank you for having the courage to share, and for having the courage to love yourself enough to get out.
Thank you, my courage helps others become more courageous.
I am truly HAPPY that you were able to get away from that situation. Thanks very much for sharing. That took a lot of courage and I am proud of you my friend for sharing and helping others. LOVE YA!
Thanks for the love Kirstin, I so appreciate it. Love ya!
I almost got myself caught up in an abusive relationship. Luckily, I left without a bruise.
Thank God for that.
You have an amazing story! Thank you for sharing! Glad things changed and you have a beautiful family now!
Thanks, Kasi.